NOW I know why

All month I have been reminded of the fact that I turn 60 this month. Now this is a milestone I have seriously been looking forward to for 4 years. I started January highly motivated to walk my way through 2016, ending this year long celebration walking on the Pacific Crest Trail in Oregon, slowly spreading Nik's ashes along a path he always wanted to walk in a state he loved.

However, in January I realized my 10,000 step/day goal was a bit lofty. Not only did I feel an aching swelling behind my left knee, I started feeling intense pain in my right heel. But I kept walking. Then my body started to feel like it was all connected with inflamed tendons. Both knees hurt. My groin, at times, felt like I have a hernia. But I kept walking, only the steps are much less.

Yesterday I felt horrible. I even went to bed early and woke up late this morning. I have my old buddy asthmatic bronchitis back. There is no way in hell I am going to even come close to my new step goal of "anything over 1000 steps/day". I slept for 11 hours last night and missed my doctor appointment this morning!

Now I know why people warned me that turning 60 brings a host of new challenges.

Feeling irritated

Well, I have been grounded. Benched. Sidetracked for the moment.

I have had plantar faciitis for about two or three weeks now and even though I cut back on my step goal, it is still not gone and only getting worse. I bought better shoes and I am using inserts. Now the muscles around both knees are swollen (I am sure because I have been favoring my right foot). Until I see my doctor on Friday I have been told to stay off my foot and elevate my legs.

I guess its time to regroup and focus on my upper body.

Except I have tendonitis in both thumbs and forearms. It is so bad at times that I can barely lift a coffee cup without using both hands. I never know when I will pick up the hot cup and lose my grip and drop it, hot coffee and all.

Is this an arthritic flare up? It is winter in northern Illinois so this is usually how my body responds. But normally after slowly easing into the day and warming up my joints and muscles, I can move better. This is different.

Slow and steady wins the race. So slow is how I will go for now.

Slow is irritating.

Healthy hearts

February is heart health month so today I want to introduce you to a product I just found that I really like.

Heart & Hydration is a drink mix that is sold by TruVision Health which also sells the supplements I have been using to nourish my body. Every morning I drink one packet of Heart and Hydration mixed with 20 ounces of water. When I need something sweet I mix one in a 12 oz glass of water over crushed ice.

It's convenient like crystal light but healthier because crystal light provides no health benefits other than lower calories per serving as opposed to other soft drinks.

When I first looked at the cost, I was a little shocked. As an associate I get it for about $40.00/bag of 30 stick packs. Then I broke it down and compared it to the cost of a soft drink and it is cheaper than a diet coke or iced tea purchased at McDonald's. And, it.........

If you would like to try it yourself you can purchase one directly by going to my website at www.elizabethberndt.truvisionhealth.com

Sleep apnea

I went to the doctor last week and received interesting news. As if there are not enough things to worry about, now I am told I have mild sleep apnea and severe oxygen deprivation and that during the night my oxygen level drops to 74%; normal oxygen levels fall within 95-100%.

I also found that I gained a pound since I was there in December. I told her that her scale is broken. I fit into my clothes a tad bit better and my scale tells a very different story. I am going with that.

Back to the 74% oxygen level. Apparently during the night I am not getting enough restorative oxygen to feed my muscles and organs. As a result, she said I am at a significant risk for stroke and heart attack. She told me that no matter how well I eat, no matter how much I exercise, and no matter how much medication I take, if my oxygen levels are not improved, I can have a heart attack or stroke.

Well that certainly helps me sleep at night.

She suggested that this is the underlying cause of my muscle pain, daytime fatigue, sleep disturbances, and possibly why it is so hard for me to lose weight. She explained that sleep is the time when the body regenerates. Good sleep (and healthy oxygen levels) is important and when the quality of sleep and oxygen levels are reduced, when muscles and organs do not receive the appropriate amount of oxygen to "feed them" and allow them to restore, the body responds negatively,  Her explanation (much better than my interpretation here) certainly made sense to me.

I am waiting now for a call to receive my cpap machine. She explained to me though that this is not a CURE for sleep apnea, it just helps me breathe better (another band aid) until I lose enough weight.

I told her she better fix her scale then.

Dogs

Dogs are funny creatures. They bring joy, frustration, love, and laughs.

Case in point: when our youngest son and his girlfriend could no longer take care of their dog, we inherited her. Lil Mammas has brought many emotions with her because even though we were not looking for a dog - especially an American Staffordshire Terrier (a cousin of the Pit Bull) - once we laid eyes on her we fell in love.

Zack rescued Lil Mammas from an abusive home when she was only 9 weeks old. I must admit, I was afraid knowing she was a pit bull but Zack reminded me of something I always said, "you can't judge a book by its cover".

Zack and Lil Mammas

So we proceeded to fall in love with his dog. However........

Several months later, Zack got into trouble and was arrested. His girlfriend cared for Lil Mammas for a few weeks but ultimately the care of this dog fell to my husband and me. Our oldest cared for her when he could while I was on business trips and if we ever had to go away overnight. He eventually moved her into his house with his roommate and another dog.

Mammas got along great with the other dog but Nik didn't get along so great with his roommate so after 6 months, Mammas moved back in with us.

Nik and Mammas

At this point, she's already lived in 3 homes, had 7 caregivers, and 4 "owners". When she came home that last time, while both of our sons claimed to be her owner, neither of them could care for themselves much less a dog, so I decided that this was her home and they can visit. It's a good thing too because both of my sons have now died, and Mammas is grieving. But we will not get into that today.

Mammas has a funny habit of sleeping UNDER a blanket. She crawls under the quilt and lets me know if she is cold and needs to be covered up again. Recently, I was sitting here watching TV and she started whining. I went down the list of things she might need/want - food, water, to go outside to do her business, medication (yes, she knows when I don't give it to her), treat for after she does her business, or comfort.

Since I had already met the first several needs, I decided she was uncomfortable.

We were watching TV on the couch. I usually don't watch TV during the day, and when we watch TV at night, we snuggle under a blanket. She was sitting there yipping at me so obviously, even though I was petting her, I was not providing the right comfort to meet her needs.

I took off my robe and threw it over her head. Immediately she wiggled herself into a comfortable position, and here she sits with only her behind showing. Silly dog.

#lilmammasbigadventure

You can read more about Mammas at #lilmammasbigadventure

Chronic inflammation

I have been told that I have chronic systemic inflammation. I have lived with inflammation and its affects for years.

According to Wikipedia, "Inflammation is part of the complex biological response of body tissues to harmful stimuli, such as pathogens, damaged cells, or irritants. Inflammation is a protective response that involves immune cells, blood vessels, and molecular mediators. The purpose of inflammation is to eliminate the initial cause of cell injury, clear out necrotic cells and tissues damaged from the original insult and the inflammatory process, and to initiate tissue repair".

In 1998 my doctor told me that the pain in my foot was likely arthritis and the intense pain I was feeling was causing an inflammatory response. I was appalled that the doctors answer to managing my pain was to move and walk more, and eat less. I couldn't make him understand that when it was sore, I couldn't put ANY pressure on my foot!

Then I noticed in 2000 when I went on a business trip to California, it seemed better. I couldn't figure out why because I did a LOT of walking on that trip. And a lot less snacking.

In 2007, I suffered from a red eye for days. I was prone to allergies and had experienced eye irritation many times but nothing like this. Some thought it was pink eye, which my kids had a few times over the years, but this was far worse. Their eyes were pink, mine were deep red. And painful.

I went to the opthamologist and he said it was inflammation and that sometimes if the body is under a tremendous amount of stress, the inflammatory response will cause the body to react. I was tested for rheumatoid arthritis but it was negative.

The eye problem continued and during a routine doctor visit we discovered my blood pressure was really high. I was put on medication and while it came down, the red eye problem continued. She prescribed special drops and suggested it was because of dry eye. It seemed to help.

2008 brought another life altering eye opener; I was diagnosed with borderline diabetes AND high cholesterol. It wasn't bad enough to put me on medication, at that point I could manage it with diet and exercise. I lost 25 pounds and my A1c went down to the pre-diabetes level, but the red eye continued. My new doctor checked for rheumatoid arthritis. It was negative again.

In 2010 I was flying to Washington DC for business and we experienced some turbulence and had a very hard landing. I felt my back jerk and thought I heard a crack. It was painful for the whole trip and I found myself avoiding many of the group activities and only participating in what I had to do. I spent most of the trip on ice.

When I returned home from that trip, I went for X-rays and was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondilitis, degenerative arthritis of the back, and Spondilolithesis a condition in which the vertebra slips out of place and moves over the one below it. I was told that it was a pretty severe case. She explained that eventually I could end up in a wheelchair and that I needed to learn to live with the symptoms and do whatever I can to reduce the inflammation. I was put on prescription strength anti-inflammatory drugs and told I needed to lose weight. By this point, I had gained back 15 of the 25 pounds I had lost earlier. Again.

While in physical therapy for my back, I injured my knee. (I will get into this more later). I tore my meniscus and ended up having surgery to repair it. While he was in there he scraped the arthritis from my knee and sent me on my way. Eight months later, after much therapy, cortisone and Supartz injections, I had my knee replaced.

Until after my pain block wore off after the knee replacement, the ten days I was off of anti-inflammatories was the most painful part. My body hurt everywhere. My hair hurt! I was told it was from the inflammation.

Now my hands are beginning to swell and change shape. I know it is arthritis and that some of that is inevitable. But there are days the ligaments and muscles hurt in my hands and forearms.

Inflammation affects the immune system and lead to diseases like heart disease, high blood pressure, and diabetes, I am convinced that the root of all of my health problems is related to stress and inflammation. Stress because I eat to deal with those emotions, and the foods I choose are usually things like candy and ice cream, which are loaded with corn syrup and milk sugars. As a result, whenever I eat anything with corn syrup or milk sugars, my inflammation kicks into gear and I feel more pain throughout my body.

Right now, my pain is manageable with diet, exercise, and medication. The most important discovery I have made over the years, and probably the one I ignore the most, is how important it is to stretch muscles before exercise to eliminate injury which always sends me back to the chair with the affected body part on ice. I am now nourishing my body at the cellular level too. Next I will share how I have chosen to use supplements I purchase from TruVision Health in order to improve my blood chemistry and nourish my body.

TruVision supplements, tea, and oils

There are a number of diets out there that claim to help you lose weight fast and feel better. I know because I have investigated and tried most of them. When my sons were little, I worked at a health food store that I found after I amost died with my third pregnancy and Zack was born with a horrible case of candida. My body was so depleted of vitamins and I was on so many antibiotics that I just passed my health problems onto my little baby. The allergist we were referred to recommended vitamins and supplements and sent me to the health food store with a list.

I quickly found myself on a path of learning the difference between feeding your body and eating. The year I worked at the health food store was the year we were all the healthiest. We ate organic food, drank healthy drinks, took pure vitamins and didn't eat corn syrup and many other foods that promoted the growth of yeast in our bodies. I will write more about Candida and allergies later.

I have chosen to go back to that time when I was feeling the best. I unearthed the books I had collected and found some good websites that discuss nourishing your body, mind, and soul. I was researching pure supplements and along the way found the TruVision Health website, and learned that my cousin sold it. TruVision Health is a company who promotes healthy eating and activity along with taking supplements. Their philosophy was in line with the direction I wanted to take.

I also found teas at the health food store that we drank all the time. Traditional Medicinal Teas have a very tasty brand of teas for many ailments. Most are herbal but some do have caffeine in them. I found that drinking the Gypsy Cold Care, Breathe Easy, and Throat Coat when I had a cold really helped me feel better. So I went to their website and found they have so many more options that I remembered from working at the store.There were shelves and shelves of tea and the owner of the store taught me how certain teas helped to nourish the body by removing toxins and relaxing the body.  She showed me how to create a simple ritual for making tea and drinking it in quiet solitude. She explained that making that time a habit of practicing relaxation was important to improving your health.

In addition, I became a member of Young Living so that I could order essential oils at a wholesale price. I learned about essential oils from a massage therapist I went to for years who helped me learn about managing stress.

I just didn't always practice what I knew to be the best way of managing my stress. Life got in the way and I ventured far away from all that I had learned.  It wasn't until recently that I decided it was time to get back to basics. With my new "tools" (fitbit, blood pressure machine, glucose monitor, and blender), old knowledge (what I previously learned about nutrition and relaxation), and my new habits (smoothies, walking, nourishing my body and soul) I am beginning to understand why it was so important to the owner of that health food store to share her knowledge and skills with her community. She found what worked for her and felt an obligation to share it with others while earning a living for her family.

BTW - I have lost another pound, my blood pressure is back under control (with medication for now), and my blood sugar levels are back where they are supposed to be. I am on the right track.

Still working on those steps though. Sigh......

As previously mentioned

Yesterday I wrote about my frustration with the calorie limits changing just before dinner on my Fitbit app so I decided to see what would happen if I didn't log additional activities until after logging my dinner food. My steps are synced every time I log onto my computer so the activity the app used to determine my caloric intake was based solely on the number of steps today. Sadly, that wasn't many because I did a lot more sitting for work that normal.

Tonight I logged my dinner and as I feared, I went over the allotted calorie level of 1048 from this morning. I ate a high carb dinner of linguine and red sauce with one meatball. This was before the evening smoothie which includes veges.

I needed to see the WHOOPS! I needed to see the crossed knife and fork. In red.

I then added in the other activities from today, such as laundry, the treadmill, cleaning the house, etc. And guess what happened again?

I was awarded with an additional 843 calories!. That would give me 2320 calories! Entering the additional activities after dinner suggests that these additional calories would need to be eaten in the evening.

So what does this mean?

I did some research and learned that a pound is worth 3500 calories. If I want to lose 1 pound per week, I need to cut 500 calories per day out of my diet. The ideal weight for my age is between 104 - 131.

Next, I determined what my activity level is based on the suggestions of the American Diabetic Association. While my ultimate goal is to be very active (walks more than 3 miles per day at 3-4 mph), on a good day right now I am moderately active (walks 1.5 - 3 miles per day at 3-4 mph. 

Today I was not active; I was sedentary.

According to Active.com to maintain my ideal weight (once I get there), I would need to eat 2100 calories a day if I were active, 1845 for a low active day, and 1642 for a sedentary day (like today).

I am thrilled to know that my total caloric intake today is even less than the 1642 required for a not active person to maintain a weight of 104-131. But first I need to get to that point.

I went to caloriecount.com  to use the weight loss calculator. In order to lose weight I need to adhere to 1200 calories a day. 

This only confirms what I already knew. I need to stop eating pasta and rice and stay under the 1200 calorie goal.

From now on I will know that Fitbit has its own formula, but I have guidelines now that make sense. I will continue to log my activities throughout the day and if fitbit says I can eat more at the end of the day, I will look at my totals and if they are within the above referenced guidelines, I will take that into consideration. But right now, to get healthy, I need to lose some of this excess baggage and I am not going to do that by eating 2300 calories on a sedentary day.

Now I can stop wondering if my fitbit is broken and stressing about it! 

In future posts, I will examine what the other numbers mean and how they affect my health.

It's the simple things

I have a fitbit zip that is tracking my steps and syncing them electronically to an app. On that app I log my activities and food intake. I love this convenience! What I don't appreciate though is the increase in calories the app gives me right before dinner. This is not good.

It is a mind game.

I was complaining the other night and my hubby says to me, "Well you don't have to eat those extra calories".

That is not the point. See, I need the accountibility factor of knowing I need to stay withing the 800 calories (or whatever is left after lunch) to meet my goal by the end of the day. I loved it when I wouldn't go over and it would say "Horray! You met your goal!"

On the other hand, I need to see the big red letters when I would go over my caloie count. I need to see the crossed knife and fork and the words "You went over by 431 calories!" I need to feel like I made a bad choice and that I need to step up my game! (No pun intended)

But now, I go to log my dinner and find I can eat 1759 more calories! When I am craving chocolate peanut butter ice cream from Dunkin Donuts that is only about a mile right up the road, that is NOT what I need to see.

And more important is the idea that now, to remain true to my calorie total, I am going to have to do MATH to figure out based on my morning total, whether I made it or not!

So yesterday I purposely waited to log my activities until after dinner. Right through dinner I was able to adhere to the calories alotted to me that morning. I even got a "Horray, you met your goal!

Then I added my activities and guess what? I earned another 435 calories!

Thank goodness because my hubby brought home brownies.

Sigh.......But I still managed to have leftover calories. :)

It is the little things that make me happy.

New year, new me, new habits

I ordered a new blender this morning. Making my new shakes has already burned out the motor of my old blender. I have started making protein shakes with a product that claims to be "Corn Free, Dairy Free, Egg Free, Fish Free, Gluten Free, Milk Free, Peanut Free, Shellfish Free, Soy Free, Starch Free, Sugar Free, Tree Nut Free, Wheat Free, Yeast Free". What it does have in it is all plant based and natural.

I giggle every time I see the name but it also fits the mission of what I am trying to achieve and how I am trying to approach my health.

When I make up my mind to attack a problem, I jump in with both feet and move forward like a warrior. Unfortunately, I eventually tend to give up when I don't see the results I expect to see as soon as I expect to see them. My plan is to attack this in the same way I advocated for better mental health and special education services.  I was able to successfully influence small changes, one step at a time, and over the course of the several years I worked with schools, state, and federal agencies, do my part to improve both systems. 

My hubby always says it takes 30 days to establish a new habit. I am 9 days in and so far, I have stuck with my new morning routine of making a healthy breakfast. Before, I never ate breakfast during the week and had a fat filled yummy one on the weekends. I am also making the decisions of what snacks to eat that day, and beginning any prep for dinner, since I never used to do that until late afternoon and would end up making something quick and not necessarily healthy. I also make a protein smoothy in the magic bullet at that time so it is ready for mid-morning.

In the evening, when making dinner, I make an anti-inflammatory smoothy in the blender for Dave and I, which Dave finishes in the morning before he goes to work. So far, it has really helped curb my appetite and allow me to remain true to my portion control goals. The protein powder goes in that one too.

Making time for preparation is so important and for me, it is the key to successully stay on track with my health goals. Having the proper tools will help as well so, I need a new blender. Instead of telling myself that "I am not working right now and can't really afford it", I am allowing myself the luxury of buying one with all the rewards points I built up logging my weight, blood pressure, glucose, activities, steps, and purchases at Walgreens.

Using that strategy and resource my blender was free. That is a great result of my new routine.

Throw-back Thursday

1976 on my wedding day

I can't believe that when I was married, I weighed 100 pounds soaking wet and I thought I was fat.

When I had my first child I gained 25 pounds and had a difficult time losing it after he was born. When I got pregnant with my second son I barely experienced morning sickness when I was pregnant. I might have had 2 episodes the whole pregnancy but, I was hungry and was eating for two. I gained 60 pounds.

1985 when I was 4 months pregnant

I lost 30 pounds after Nathan was born and kept it off until I got pregnant with my third son but, it was a very difficult pregnancy. I lost 20 pounds in the first trimester and once the severe morning sickness and vomiting was under control, ended up only gaining about 20 pounds the whole pregnancy. 

Unfortunately, over the next several years, I would steadily gain more weight, losing 20 ounds here and there and gaining it back, plus a few more. After my total knee replacement surgery in 2011, I began eating better and training for my first 5K race (walking). By July 2012, I had lost 30 pounds, finished the race (7 months post surgery I really went into it with the idea that if I didn't finish, that was ok - at least I made the attempt), and felt so much better, more energy, and less stress.  2012 ws my healthiest year in a long time.

Picking up my t-shirt. I was so proud to be participating!

Then Dad got sick at the end of 2012 (we found out it could be cancer in August) and my time outside walking decreased while my time in front of the internet researching treatment options and talking to my Mom and Dad on the phone increased. Dad died in April 2013, 8 months after his initial diagnosis and 4 months after the first treatment. 

Life was in turmoil for months following his death. I practically moved in with my Mom to help her grieve and because she also had health issues. We packed up Dad's things and spent time eating to soothe our souls. In May, 6 weeks after Dad died, my Mom had knee revision surgery and she almost died. That summer was spent caring for Mom, and not walking any distance.  I managed to participate in the 5K in July again and actually beat my previous time but I knew I needed to train better for 2014. I had just taken a little break from training.

Mom was still in recovery when Zack died in August 2013. Mom moved in September, 4 weeks after Zack died so once I got her settled, I figured I could get back on track. She never really got settled and spent months wishing she were home with me traveling 6 hours one way to visit.

I walked in 2014 but the training, while better than 2013, was not the same as 2012. My heart was only minimally in it. My heart was breaking.

In April of 2015, my oldest son died and I realized one day that I was eating to manage my emotions. As I mentioned in my earlier post, I thought I was managing my grief well but, apparently not. 

I said before that I am not doing this to lose weight although I know that is important. I am considered morbidly obese and while I am not a vain person by any stretch of the word, how my body feels is very important to me. So while I chase down good health, I am planning to say good-by to this extra weight and hello to more energy.

And looking at these pictures only motivates me more.

January 2016 Before

January 2016 Before

Weigh-in Wednesday

Yay!!! I have lost 2 pounds so far.

I am experiencing a minor set-back however as my blood pressure has sky rocketed and so has my blood sugar. I can easily explain the elevation in my blood pressure; I discovered that my blood pressure meds were not refilled automatically so I have not had them for three days now.  That will be corrected today.  I also reviewed my food logs and determined that I have been eating foods high in sodium and more carbs than is healthy for a diabetic with high blood pressure.

Today I will increase my fiber and introduce a protein powder in my smoothies that I am going to make each day for my mid-afternoon snack. I am also going to eat a bigger lunch and a lighter dinner, with raw veges or air-popped popcorn for my evening snack.

And of course, continue to walk my 7000 steps.

Let's see how the next week goes!

Starting off slow

My mind is very motivated but my body says, "SLOW DOWN!" I really really tried to get 10,000 steps on Saturday. I ended up with just under 7,000. Sunday it was 6,010.  I walked on the treadmill for 32 minutes Saturday and my hips were screaming. So, I guess to expect to jump right in where I left off in 2012 was a bit unrealistic. The good news is that I am putting in about 4000 more steps than normal so we are off to a decent start.

I wish I could say the same about my diet. Saturday was fine, I ended up with 63 calories under my limit of 1200. Sunday however I went over by 419. It was the cheesy hashbrowns. They were just so darn good I ate the whole box. Not at the same time - I had half for breakfast and then the rest for lunch. But still. And it was BOXED which means processed so I scolded my hubby and reminded him not to buy boxed processed foods. Monday I had 43 leftover.

Today I am back on track. I exercised portion control and only cooked what I needed for breakfast. I think that is what I am going to have to do with some foods for now.

I started the morning with an 8 oz glass of room temperature water with lemon juice (squeezed from a half of a fresh lemon) followed by 1 oz of NingXia Red (click if you are interested in knowing more about this product. If you want to try a sample, please let me know because I am a Young Living member and can get it for you). I took my TruVision supplements with the Ningxia Red. Then I cooked breakfast, ate, and took my morning medication with another 12 oz glass of water.

I am finding that by evening my appetite increases and I am trying to determine whether that is out of habit, boredom, or fatigue. I am guessing the first and third reasons are why I feel I need to eat something after dinner.

I have also decided to adjust my step count for the next 2 weeks. This morning the bottoms of my feet ache, my hips still hurt and my back is cranky. So I am striving for 7000 steps through January 15 and then will increase by 1000 each week until I reach 10,000.

But guess what? Already I feel more energy and less hungry!

My overall goal is to get healthy, and by doing that I hope to reduce the amount of diabetes medication, cholesterol medication, and blood pressure medication that I take. Since I am on a low dose of most of those, I believe by the time I return for my A1c check in March, we will be able to cut one of those out.

Wish me luck!

Happy New Year!

It's here! 2016 is here and it is time for renewed energy and focus. I spent the last several months sick. I am tired of being sick. My husband is rehabbing his knee after a total knee replacement and having a hard time. As a result, I have made a decision to finally suck it up and get busy. It's time to work on my health again.

2012 was a great year. Reflecting on that, I realized it was because during 2012 I was recovering from the stress of working 60+ hours a week, rehabbing my knee which involved walking and exercising every day, eating healthy, training for my first 5K walk, and writing. Every day. I blogged, I journaled, and I write articles for publications. I gardened seriously. I cooked. I spent a lot of time with my granddaughter playing and having fun, viewing life through the eyes of a three year old.

I want to get back to that lifestyle. My Dad and sons would be very disappointed to learn that I was grazing my way through grief. I had lost 30 pounds training for the 5K!!! I have gained 20 of it back. :(

So today, I started my new "diet". I am feeding my body healthy foods, following the principles of the Mediterranean diet. I am taking supplements to nourish my cells. I cleared all the crap out of the pantry and have been turning down everyones leftover Christmas cookies. I dusted off the stability ball and the treadmill. I am motivated.

So motivated I have accepted a 10K Challenge. My goal is 10,000 steps per day. I also accepted a 2016 Challenge that will have me walking 2016 MILES this year. I know that is doable because that is just under 6 miles per day. 10,000 steps is about 5 miles right there.  While weightloss is inevitable with that plan, I am really doing this because I am tired of feeling crappy.

Those are my goals. I am stating them publicly so that I can be accountable to someone. Along the way, I will post my progress here. Maybe I will motivate other people to join my team!

Happy New Year!

Another year comes to an end

The last time I posted here was in February 2015. I was still grieving my youngest son's death as well as that of my father.  I wrote about being in a rut, losing my ambition, beginning a new chapter as a virtual assistant. Little did I know then that my life was once again about to come to a screeching halt.

At that time, my oldest son was incarerated in the county jail awaiting trial for domestic violence. That alone was bad enough because ANYONE who knew Nik - REALLY knew him and his heart - would have never believed it. but his life since his Grandpa and baby brother died, had been a roller coaster of emotions and turmoil. His drinking was out of control and one week before the anniversary of Zachary's death, he used cocaine after drinking heavily. That night forever changed his life.

February brought a tailspin of emotions. He came home, spent a week doing projects around our house, and ended up in the hospital with a virus. He spent 5 days in intensive care and ended up on dialysis to lower his muscle enzymes due to rhabdomylosis caused from falling and laying too long in one spot. Nik came home and slept for 2 months. His energy level was never the same. He was crabby and sullen and barely smiled. He started back to work early April and we thought that would help his mood, and it did a little. He loved working! But it was not to last.

On April 23, Zachary's birthday, Nik set up a shrine in the basement, honoring his little brother. Then he injected himself with heroin. We will never know if this was intentional or if he was just so low he decided to start using again. This is the same guy who overdosed many times throughout his 20's. He had not used heroin for 8 years. Apparently this was enough to kill him.

All through 2015 I have been on the roller coaster of emotions they call grief.  I have good days and bad days. The good days are spent rmembering all the good memories. Then I feel angry at the loss of creative spirits with big hearts. On the bad days I blame myself. I ask myself why this happened to our family. Then I remember all the people I still have in my life. Those people get me through the dark times.

As 2015 finally comes to an end, I can honestly say I am looking forward to 2016.

Ambition

Last week I received a call from someone I used to work with. During the call I mentioned that I had left the mental health field and he seemed surprised. It got me thinking about how mentally and physically drained I was when I  lost my job became unemployed took a sabbatical. I reflected on that for several hours, wondering why I decided to leave the field entirely. After all, I worked hard to blaze a trail for others to work in the mental health field who lived the experience but did not have a degree. And then it hit me.

I've lost my ambition.

During my sabbatical I have gone through several experiences. Many "first-times". First knee replacement in 2011, first 5K in 2012, first time I have lost a parent in 2013, first grandson born in 2013, first loss of a child in 2013, and first time I realized I was floundering with no consistent direction - in 2015. I am in a rut.

I know what I would like the end result to be. I have a goal. I have a bucket list; I have a LOOOOOONG bucket list.

I thought it was because I just can't seem to develop a plan and STICK to it. But I think it is more than that. I think that once again I am in the position of blazing another career trail. One that will carry me from "pre-retirement" through retirement. One that does not require another degree. After all, I got a Bachelors degree and 2 years later I lost my job. As a result, I will be paying off student loans for another 10 years. A career that allows me to use my creativity, to work from home, to work around family schedules, to bring in the income I need, and provides an opportunity to help others.

Virtual Assistant - working for others based from home using technology that is already at our fingertips. It pulls everything I have been doing for the past 4 years together under one title and allows for flexibility and creativity. I can use the skills I have already developed during my 20+ career and in college, but still affords me the opportunity to develop more.

So, do I have that kind of ambition left in me? You betcha!

Museums

Wednesday we took Avery to the Midwest Museum of Natural History in Sycamore. We had never heard of it so we didn't quite know what to expect. We were pleasantly surprised to learn that we happened to be there on FREE DAY. It ended up being a very nice place with live turtles, snakes, spiders, and other small repiles. There were also large jungle animals that were stuffed (statues as Avery said). We were doing pretty well, comparing the animal skulls and teeth they had on display to our own, and learning about various monkeys, mountain lions, mountain goats, and mammouths. And then we came across the lions.  

At first we weren't sure whether to allow Avery to see this or steer her away, which would have been next to impossible given the location. She questioned why the lion was trying to eat the goat. We could have told a story about how they play in the jungle, but she is too smart for that and saw the looks on the faces and knew instantly that the lion was eating the goat. So we compared it to the Lion King movie and talked about the circle of life and how lions survive in the jungle by eating some of the animals. Her response?  "Oh look! There IS a giraffe here!"

 After a good lunch of pancakes and bacon, we stopped at a friends farm so Avery could gather eggs. She loves to eat eggs and loves animals so we thought she would get a kick out of spending time with the chickens and gathering the eggs herself.

Once the eggs were gathered, it was time to feed the chickens, ducks, and turkeys. We now call her the turkey whisperer. Last year we visted a zoo and spent time in the baby goat pen and those little goats just followed her everywhere. This year, it was the turkeys.

All in all it was a great day. We came back to Gaga's house and made bread and had a tea party. I love spending time with her. At 5, she sounds like she is 25. Her reasoning is better than many adults. 

While the trip to the museum was fun, we don't want to over do it. Next time, we will bake cookies.

80 Days with Judy - Updates

Since I haven't posted regularly I felt it was important to bring you up-to-date on several projects I have discussed on here. I will start with my Mom since that has been the most consistent.

Dad died in April of 2013 which kicked into gear the next phase of downsizing for my Mom. She had started Phase 1 before that but had not taken it seriously. We basically cleaned her bedroom at that point, giving away books she had read and not really liked, magazines she had read, etc. After Dad's death however she realized there was no need to keep all of his clothes and knowing she would need to move "someday" she wanted me to start Phase 2 - the REAL downsizing process - preparing to sell the house.

I referred to the time I spent with my Mom as "80 Days with Judy" since frankly, given her health concerns at the time, I knew I was going to be there a while, and - her name is Judy. It was also in reference to a scrapbook I made for her of our first vacation together a few years earlier that I called "8 Days with Judy."

This was clearly going to be a longer vacation.

We made it through downsizing part 1, part 2, and part 3 and she moved to Minnesota in late September 2013. She loved her new little townhouse that was very different from the home she built with my Dad. I left her a week after getting her settled and came home to rest and get back on track with my Sabbatical, look for a full time job with benefits, and reconnect with my hubby, grandchildren, and dog.

Two months later, she wanted to come home.

Well, she lasted over a year in Minnesota, but in October of 2014 she announced that she IS moving home and directed me to start looking for a place in Minooka so her friends will come to see her. "80 days with Judy" lasted more like 380 days the first time and was rather stressful at times, but this time.......it's going to be fun. She is healthier and we have already completed Phases 4, 5, 6, and 7 of the downsizing process in Minnesota. (She discovered her small house was smaller than she thought.)

So stay tuned. "80 Days with Judy, Adventures with Mom" begins this month and you will find those stories here.

Welcome 2015!

Seriously? It has been 16 months since my last post? I knew it had been awhile, but sheesh!

So much has happened since then. I left off with the post about my son dying. I will post more about that in the days to come but I want to highlight the best part of 2013/2014. The momentous occasion that always seems to be "forgotten" in all the details of all the tragedy.

Well let me tell you. This little guy is not one to be forgotten. Meet Preston Elijah.

"Hey lady, what at YOU doing?"

Preston is almost 2 (in March) and was born just days before my Dad past away in 2013.  I spent so much time with Avery at this age but circumstances have been different with Preston. First, his Mommy decided to be a stay at home Mommy and start her hair business, traveling to customers homes when Daddy was home with the kids. While that can be a challenge at times, she loves it and I do get to spend time with them both, just not consistently like before. I guess I will survive. She enjoys spending so much time with the kids.

Second, if you remember, I was looking for a job. Enter "Judy's house of horrors adventures".  For several months after Dad died I "lived" at my Mom's, tending to her physical and emotional needs, downsizing and prepping their home for sale, and moving her north to Minnesota. Being so far away from the grand kids killed me. I had a glimpse once again of what it would be like to work full time and I was not impressed. Mom also felt bad so she suggested I work for her. I must admit, that helped a lot by taking the pressure of finding a job off and it allowed me the flexibility to do contract work for the government.

Third, Zack died and that sent me into a tailspin of moving full steam ahead without stopping to think about grief. I operated like that for several months. The weeks leading up to the one year anniversary left me feeling unsettled in a way I cannot explain. To make it worse, our oldest son went off the deep end and landed himself in jail. He is still there.

Also in 2014 my brother was diagnosed with cancer, had surgery, radiation, chemotherapy and is heading back in for more surgery. But so far the tests are good. We have our fingers crossed.

Christmas 2014 was just weird. Fall of 2014 this year brought depression, but in the midst of all of that was joy. And it looked like this:

My middle son Nathan and his family

How can I be sad? 2015 will be a good year. Mom is moving back home. Minnesota is too cold and too far away from her friends. We didn't bother to remind her that it was HER idea to move there in the first place.

I will write more in 2015. I will sell more Avon and I will receive more contracts. I might even find a job with benefits. But until then, GrammaGaga will continue to stalk Nathan's family and count her blessings.

Our son has died

I never thought I would need to say the words "our son has died" or "this morning your brother/grandson died". But two weeks ago, on the morning of August 30, 2013, those words came out of my mouth, even though I hardly believed what I was saying.

To say I am sad is an understatement.  I am still grieving the loss of my Dad in April, and trying to help my Mom make sense of her new normal, life without my Dad.  I almost lost her twice within a month because after my Dad died, she embarked on a journey of self destruction.  Now, we share our grief in yet another way. She lost her grandson, I lost my son.

In the past few months I have not posted on here because I have been busy getting her house ready to put on the market, helping her find a new home in another state closer to my brothers family, and trying to take care of the daily responsibilities of two households, a dog, my family, and still find time for my husband and myself. While I am still unemployed on sabbatical, I am busier than if I just had a full time job.  Now I am so happy I still not working.  I knew God worked in mysterious ways, and now I can understand better why I have not been hired yet, despite all the hours spent looking, applications submitted online and in person, and interviews I have been on.  God has a different plan for me and has taken me down a different path once more.  A detour of sorts. An angry and sometimes excruciatingly painful path.

So once I get my Mom settled in her new home, I am coming home to resume my sabbatical.  I will not post sad tales on this blog.  This is reserved for happier stories, stories of my grandchildren and quirky Mom. And don't be surprised to find a new blog started at some point this fall.