Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Another year comes to an end

The last time I posted here was in February 2015. I was still grieving my youngest son's death as well as that of my father.  I wrote about being in a rut, losing my ambition, beginning a new chapter as a virtual assistant. Little did I know then that my life was once again about to come to a screeching halt.

At that time, my oldest son was incarerated in the county jail awaiting trial for domestic violence. That alone was bad enough because ANYONE who knew Nik - REALLY knew him and his heart - would have never believed it. but his life since his Grandpa and baby brother died, had been a roller coaster of emotions and turmoil. His drinking was out of control and one week before the anniversary of Zachary's death, he used cocaine after drinking heavily. That night forever changed his life.

February brought a tailspin of emotions. He came home, spent a week doing projects around our house, and ended up in the hospital with a virus. He spent 5 days in intensive care and ended up on dialysis to lower his muscle enzymes due to rhabdomylosis caused from falling and laying too long in one spot. Nik came home and slept for 2 months. His energy level was never the same. He was crabby and sullen and barely smiled. He started back to work early April and we thought that would help his mood, and it did a little. He loved working! But it was not to last.

On April 23, Zachary's birthday, Nik set up a shrine in the basement, honoring his little brother. Then he injected himself with heroin. We will never know if this was intentional or if he was just so low he decided to start using again. This is the same guy who overdosed many times throughout his 20's. He had not used heroin for 8 years. Apparently this was enough to kill him.

All through 2015 I have been on the roller coaster of emotions they call grief.  I have good days and bad days. The good days are spent rmembering all the good memories. Then I feel angry at the loss of creative spirits with big hearts. On the bad days I blame myself. I ask myself why this happened to our family. Then I remember all the people I still have in my life. Those people get me through the dark times.

As 2015 finally comes to an end, I can honestly say I am looking forward to 2016.